[One of the skills Daan hadn't really gotten around to really learning is cooking. He can make an okay sandwich, but that's not really substantial enough for two sad guys, and on top of that he does want to do something special for Cloud.
And so, he had called in a favor, and Daan eventually returns with a hot container of beef stew.]
Not sure how hungry you are, but you should probably eat something. [It's the first thing he says when he comes back, setting the pot onto the table.
He isn't sure how much Cloud will be able to taste it. Is reminding Cloud of a lost home and a lost parent even a smart idea? He genuinely isn't sure; this is territory he's unfamiliar with himself. Daan doesn't really have those kinds of associations after all, and Cloud might not even be able to entirely taste it.
...But maybe the smell will be enough. That's what he hopes.]
it’s hard, being alone — even though he’s spent so much of his life steeped in solitude. he’s gotten too used to having someone, to the comfort of daan’s presence. it’s fine. they both need the space, and he’d be back before he knew it. it was far from daan’s duty to babysit him.
when the door maneuvers open, cloud’s head jerks up. and then— the smell follows. rich, savory, umami—
he recognizes it well. it takes him to another time, long, long ago. memories of sitting at a small, wooden dinner table trickle into his consciousness. he sees her face — her smile, hears the lilt of her jovial voice, and he realizes— ]
…Daan?
[ he approaches gradually. cloud’s eyes are reminiscent of big, shining saucers, blues glittering beneath the halogen light of his room. he looks more like a kid than he does a man in this moment. ]
[The gaze in Cloud's eyes remind him of a boy, wide-eyed and unsure. It makes Daan feel all the more determined to help him, to protect him however he can.]
Called in a favor with a chef I met with when the resort kicked off their Open Season. I asked him to make this.
So, it ought to be safe. And... ideally, it'll be comforting, I hope.
[Not that Daan wants to make it a big deal, but he's taken quiet note of those little things Cloud has mentioned, or how he acts. Every little thing that makes him who he is, his vices and virtues both.]
[ why would anyone? his eyes are affixed on the stew, hands cupping the edges of the pot. it's searing hot, and yet he doesn't flinch, doesn't pull away, too entrenched in the sight. his heart throbs and aches with memories he'd once thought were lost to the sands of time. ]
...Thank you.
[ he reaches for a spoon-- and haphazardly, without thinking, shovels a heap of it into his mouth. it burns, at first, the flavor overwhelmed by the heat. but he doesn't care. the undercurrent of acidity, the depth and richness of the broth, the tender beef-- it brings him right back to their small, rundown home in nibelheim. ]
It's... it's good. Really good.
[ and then, in a much smaller voice, eyes wrenching shut-- ]
[Daan says it with some ease before he feels a hint of embarrassment about it. But it was the truth, and he won't take that part back.
It's still hard to tell if this was a wise idea or not, if it was better to avoid things that could hurt Cloud. He watches him, quietly alarmed that he'd just touch the pot like that, unwavering as he takes a spoonful.
But most importantly is his reaction. Gently, Daan places a hand over Cloud's, touching and trying to turn it over to make sure it isn't too badly burned.]
I can't imagine. [And really, Daan can't; he has no family to miss.] I-- if you need me to, I can remove the pot. I don't want to hurt you, Cloud.
[He'd aimed for thoughtful, but if he's stepped in the wrong direction then he'll fix it.]
[ the sentiment is mutual. not that cloud was renown for having a stellar memory -- but it was hard to forget anything about daan. his pains and his joys alike.
cloud lets him grasp at his hand; for a moment, he's so transfixed that he hardly budges, allowing daan to do as he pleases. then comes the question, grounding cloud back in reality, and he shakes his head slowly. ]
No. It's okay. It's just... it's been a long time.
[ longer than he realized. it's been occurring to him recently-- that he was gone for 7 years. cloud studies daan's face, eyes glossy and vivid, before the corners of his lips turn up into the faintest trace of a smile. ]
I wish you two met. I... I would've taken you to her. And she would've loved you. I know that.
If nothing else, at least I know Sanji is a man of his word and a good cook, then.
[Not that he had much doubt, but he's quietly satisfied that he's been able to give something to Cloud. Something besides Daan's misery and how he'd lashed out a couple of weeks ago.
He smiles faintly, tracing his fingers over Cloud's palm.]
I would've liked meeting her. [Daan's voice is soft and thoughtful, but sincere.] Do you want to talk about her?
[ he’s still getting used to that word but— daan has helped. cloud’s palm turns up, and he reaches for daan’s hand. ]
She was… kind. Always trying to cheer me up… always telling me what to do and how to do it. I’d get into fights with the other kids… worry her sick all the time. And she’d welcome me back every time anyways… even though I made her life harder.
Even… when everything went to shit, [ his voice strains. ] she just wanted me to be okay.
[ his grip tightens. ]
If she met you, she probably would’ve said something like… “Cloud, I didn’t know you were smart enough to nab yourself a doctor.”
Will do. I'm sure he'd be happy to know you like it.
[Daan leans his forehead against Cloud's, lightly squeezing his hand.]
You were just a kid, Cloud. ...Don't be too hard on yourself. Kids never seem to get enough time to just be one.
[It's sad to him, how often it seems children are robbed of that. Infuriating, really, but it sounds like Cloud's mother did everything she could.
The last bit earns a quiet little noise, close to a laugh.] Oh, she'd think you nabbed me, huh? [Daan tips his head to brushes his lips against Cloud's forehead.] Well. I'd reassure her that I think you're a catch. Even if you're a little shit sometimes.
...Can't say she'd be wrong. You're a smart guy-- ...with a good heart.
[ that miserable, pathetic little crush he had on him from the onset is manifesting again. not that it's faded; on the contrary, it's deepened into something... far beyond his grasp by this point. but he's learned to be less of a fool about it. the kiss is soothing, a salve to his skin. ]
Catch, huh? [ a smile, small and brisk, plays along his lips. ] She'd be real surprised by that one. Would've thanked you for taking care of me... or something like that.
[ and then-- he looks away, jaw tensing, eyes elsewhere. ]
...You would've been part of the family. I... I can promise you that much.
I want you to know that I'm going to do my very best to not disagree with you out loud.
[Even though he still struggles to see it. To see himself so positively. Smart, kind, good. But he doesn't vocalize it more.
The mention of family earns a stunned look, Daan's eye trailing down to their hands. The expression he wears is bashful now, less confident, but not in a bad way. Really, he just hadn't expected that kind of declaration.]
...I would've been happy with that.
[Ultimately, it's always what he wanted. To be loved, to have a family. Only... it'd be something truly special in this imaginary scenario with Cloud and his mother. And he never really felt like he belonged in the von Dutch manor. Because he didn't, he knew that, and the cat knew it too. Who could say he'd belong anywhere?]
Don’t like that you’re thinking it. At least if you say it aloud, I can fight you on it.
[ geez. he wants to flick him on the head sometimes. but more importantly, cloud notices that momentary bashfulness, fingers delicately wrapping around daan’s with a squeeze.
it’s stupid, thinking about this life that’ll never happen. he can’t help it regardless. ]
Hey, I'm at least acknowledging it. That's gotta count for something.
[There's a moment of quiet from Daan. It's still hard to digest the idea, that he deserves anything so good. But he knows that Cloud and Marina certainly seem to think so, and he cares deeply for the both of them.
That's what matters, so much.
His hand returns the squeeze, and he looks at Cloud hesitantly.]
Thank you.
...May I kiss you? [A question so usually asked by Cloud.]
[ cloud’s features ease into something gentler, something lighter at his question. he could answer but — it would be easier to lean up and kiss him himself. so he does, lips finding his, hand gripping daan’s. ]
…I know the circumstances aren’t the best… [ a beat. ] But this past week… I don’t regret it. Spending time with you like this…
[ waking up together. going to bed together. seeing each other everyday. it’s been…
[Getting a response by simply being kissed is more than enough. It's a simple little gesture, but it does more to move his heart than any amount of sex. Faintly, he smiles to himself, rubbing his thumb over Cloud's knuckles.]
Granted, I do wish the reason you came to stay with me was better, but I feel the same. ...I can't remember the last time I slept so soundly.
[Especially next to someone. Quietly, Daan had worried that maybe he was too physically clingy, holding onto Cloud for most if not all of the night; it's something Elise would remark about.
But it doesn't seem to be the case at all with Cloud. It's a relief, which is a strange realization but no less truthful.]
You can... keep staying. For as long as you want to.
[ he falls back into silence -- he's never spent so long in mundanity with someone. nothing to distract him, no goalpost towards survival, no looming fate. just the company of another person, an ordinary life, day to day conversation about nothing and everything at once. ]
Daan, I--
[ he knows what he wants to say in the depths of his heart, but it hasn't reached the confines of his mind yet. so it's trapped in his throat, and he swallows it back down -- before his hands latch onto daan's waist and he pulls him into his lap, selfishly. ]
I know it's weird, but it's... it's hard to imagine life without you now.
[The sheer strength from Cloud shouldn't surprise him by this point, but sometimes it does catch him off guard. Not that he minds; there's some kind of security in another person's strength that gives him comfort, and Daan settles into his lap.
The confession -- as it is, more or less -- does make him hesitate. It's not as if Daan doesn't know. He's known for awhile now, even if there are very large parts left unsaid. A part of his chest clenches, twists, mostly out of fear. Fear for his own future, for Cloud's well-being. They've played that song and dance already more than a few times, especially when Daan reacted so poorly to waking up with a ring on his hand.
Daan places a hand to the of Cloud's neck, thumb tracing over skin. To be this important to someone, that too is something he's always yearned for. Why was it so different with Elise?]
[ said firmly, rigidly, lacking in any uncertainty. there's so much he doesn't know -- about himself, his life, his wants. but this, he does. a hand cups daan's jawline, fingers sweeping across his cheek. ]
You're out of your mind if you think I'm letting you rot back home. I'm not leaving you there. Over my dead body.
...I don't have anything left there anyway. Or anyone. Marina doesn't want to go back either. So, really, going home with you would only be a win for me.
[Which means Daan has even less reason to go back.]
Winning this game might be the only other way I find out what happened to Elise. Is... that okay?
…Even if there’s nothing for you back there, you’ve got me now. And Marina. I’m not letting anything happen to either of you.
[ his wife — right. it’s understandable that she’d be at the forefront of his mind. features grave and attentive, cloud nods his head, hands set against daan’s waist. ]
…Yeah. You don’t… have to ask me for permission, you know. You’re your own person — and she… she’s important to you.
…Listen. If you need help then just… just let me know, alright?
[Is this what it's like? Being told that he'd be taken care of, that he would be protected. When after his entire life he's spent it trying to survive, to take care of himself, to have something to live for.
Maybe this is just a taste of it -- but that's also why he's utterly failed at letting go of Marina or Cloud. Never mind the fact that both of them are stubborn, but now that he's had it, he doesn't want to imagine what it's like without it. Daan isn't certain he can deal with that ever again.]
Maybe I don't need to have your permission, but... I wanted to be clear on my intention. No bullshit, right?
But I'll try to be better about asking for your help. I know I haven't been fantastic about that.
[ “wanted to be clear on my intention—“ sits at the back of his head, lingering. this sounded like…
no, that couldn’t be. they weren’t— this was just a temporary arrangement. he remembers daan’s reaction when they gotten married quite distinctly. this wasn’t that kind of relationship, it wasn’t a long standing commitment—
then why in the world does it feel like one? and why… is he happy that it does?
cloud’s gaze entangles with his. he pulls him closer. ]
[Arms encircle Cloud's shoulders, Daan brushing his lips against the other's forehead.]
Wish granted. I'm afraid to say at this point that you're rather stuck with me.
[Daan knows. Not just Cloud's feelings, but his own -- how deep he had gotten, how deeper still it goes and will probably keep going.
Eventually, it will be a matter they both have to face. For now, though, this is enough. It's damn well near enough the stir happiness in his heart when he had only known grief and sorrow for so damned long.]
[ his hands slide down daan’s back, possessive and greedy. it isn’t long before his lips are against daan’s, kissing him in slow and measured motions, chest pressed to his. he feels it — the rhythm of his heartbeat, melodious and sweet. ]
[A hand cups the back of Cloud's head, gently scratching through spikes and against his scalp. He leans into the kiss, smiling slightly against him; it's slow, and gentle, nothing quick and fierce. Daan enjoys both, but the former feels so rare until recently.
He'll let himself chase after it.
Cloud's invitation earns a brief little laugh from Daan. It's short, but genuine.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action; idk sometime while cloud is still staying in daan's room
And so, he had called in a favor, and Daan eventually returns with a hot container of beef stew.]
Not sure how hungry you are, but you should probably eat something. [It's the first thing he says when he comes back, setting the pot onto the table.
He isn't sure how much Cloud will be able to taste it. Is reminding Cloud of a lost home and a lost parent even a smart idea? He genuinely isn't sure; this is territory he's unfamiliar with himself. Daan doesn't really have those kinds of associations after all, and Cloud might not even be able to entirely taste it.
...But maybe the smell will be enough. That's what he hopes.]
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it’s hard, being alone — even though he’s spent so much of his life steeped in solitude. he’s gotten too used to having someone,
to the comfort of daan’s presence. it’s fine. they both need the space, and he’d be back before he knew it. it was far from daan’s duty to babysit him.
when the door maneuvers open, cloud’s head jerks up. and then— the smell follows. rich, savory, umami—
he recognizes it well. it takes him to another time, long, long ago. memories of sitting at a small, wooden dinner table trickle into his consciousness. he sees her face — her smile, hears the lilt of her jovial voice, and he realizes— ]
…Daan?
[ he approaches gradually. cloud’s eyes are reminiscent of big, shining saucers, blues glittering beneath the halogen light of his room. he looks more like a kid than he does a man in this moment. ]
…Where’d you get this from?
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Called in a favor with a chef I met with when the resort kicked off their Open Season. I asked him to make this.
So, it ought to be safe. And... ideally, it'll be comforting, I hope.
[Not that Daan wants to make it a big deal, but he's taken quiet note of those little things Cloud has mentioned, or how he acts. Every little thing that makes him who he is, his vices and virtues both.]
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[ why would anyone? his eyes are affixed on the stew, hands cupping the edges of the pot. it's searing hot, and yet he doesn't flinch, doesn't pull away, too entrenched in the sight. his heart throbs and aches with memories he'd once thought were lost to the sands of time. ]
...Thank you.
[ he reaches for a spoon-- and haphazardly, without thinking, shovels a heap of it into his mouth. it burns, at first, the flavor overwhelmed by the heat. but he doesn't care. the undercurrent of acidity, the depth and richness of the broth, the tender beef-- it brings him right back to their small, rundown home in nibelheim. ]
It's... it's good. Really good.
[ and then, in a much smaller voice, eyes wrenching shut-- ]
I...
I miss her. So much...
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[Daan says it with some ease before he feels a hint of embarrassment about it. But it was the truth, and he won't take that part back.
It's still hard to tell if this was a wise idea or not, if it was better to avoid things that could hurt Cloud. He watches him, quietly alarmed that he'd just touch the pot like that, unwavering as he takes a spoonful.
But most importantly is his reaction. Gently, Daan places a hand over Cloud's, touching and trying to turn it over to make sure it isn't too badly burned.]
I can't imagine. [And really, Daan can't; he has no family to miss.] I-- if you need me to, I can remove the pot. I don't want to hurt you, Cloud.
[He'd aimed for thoughtful, but if he's stepped in the wrong direction then he'll fix it.]
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cloud lets him grasp at his hand; for a moment, he's so transfixed that he hardly budges, allowing daan to do as he pleases. then comes the question, grounding cloud back in reality, and he shakes his head slowly. ]
No. It's okay. It's just... it's been a long time.
[ longer than he realized. it's been occurring to him recently-- that he was gone for 7 years. cloud studies daan's face, eyes glossy and vivid, before the corners of his lips turn up into the faintest trace of a smile. ]
I wish you two met. I... I would've taken you to her. And she would've loved you. I know that.
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[Not that he had much doubt, but he's quietly satisfied that he's been able to give something to Cloud. Something besides Daan's misery and how he'd lashed out a couple of weeks ago.
He smiles faintly, tracing his fingers over Cloud's palm.]
I would've liked meeting her. [Daan's voice is soft and thoughtful, but sincere.] Do you want to talk about her?
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[ he’s still getting used to that word but— daan has helped. cloud’s palm turns up, and he reaches for daan’s hand. ]
She was… kind. Always trying to cheer me up… always telling me what to do and how to do it. I’d get into fights with the other kids… worry her sick all the time. And she’d welcome me back every time anyways… even though I made her life harder.
Even… when everything went to shit, [ his voice strains. ] she just wanted me to be okay.
[ his grip tightens. ]
If she met you, she probably would’ve said something like… “Cloud, I didn’t know you were smart enough to nab yourself a doctor.”
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[Daan leans his forehead against Cloud's, lightly squeezing his hand.]
You were just a kid, Cloud. ...Don't be too hard on yourself. Kids never seem to get enough time to just be one.
[It's sad to him, how often it seems children are robbed of that. Infuriating, really, but it sounds like Cloud's mother did everything she could.
The last bit earns a quiet little noise, close to a laugh.] Oh, she'd think you nabbed me, huh? [Daan tips his head to brushes his lips against Cloud's forehead.] Well. I'd reassure her that I think you're a catch. Even if you're a little shit sometimes.
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[ that miserable, pathetic little crush he had on him from the onset is manifesting again. not that it's faded; on the contrary, it's deepened into something... far beyond his grasp by this point. but he's learned to be less of a fool about it. the kiss is soothing, a salve to his skin. ]
Catch, huh? [ a smile, small and brisk, plays along his lips. ] She'd be real surprised by that one. Would've thanked you for taking care of me... or something like that.
[ and then-- he looks away, jaw tensing, eyes elsewhere. ]
...You would've been part of the family. I... I can promise you that much.
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[Even though he still struggles to see it. To see himself so positively. Smart, kind, good. But he doesn't vocalize it more.
The mention of family earns a stunned look, Daan's eye trailing down to their hands. The expression he wears is bashful now, less confident, but not in a bad way. Really, he just hadn't expected that kind of declaration.]
...I would've been happy with that.
[Ultimately, it's always what he wanted. To be loved, to have a family. Only... it'd be something truly special in this imaginary scenario with Cloud and his mother.
And he never really felt like he belonged in the von Dutch manor. Because he didn't, he knew that, and the cat knew it too. Who could say he'd belong anywhere?]no subject
[ geez. he wants to flick him on the head sometimes. but more importantly, cloud notices that momentary bashfulness, fingers delicately wrapping around daan’s with a squeeze.
it’s stupid, thinking about this life that’ll never happen. he can’t help it regardless. ]
You deserve to be.
[ his eyes flicker up. ]
Even if you don’t think so… I do.
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[There's a moment of quiet from Daan. It's still hard to digest the idea, that he deserves anything so good. But he knows that Cloud and Marina certainly seem to think so, and he cares deeply for the both of them.
That's what matters, so much.
His hand returns the squeeze, and he looks at Cloud hesitantly.]
Thank you.
...May I kiss you? [A question so usually asked by Cloud.]
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[ cloud’s features ease into something gentler, something lighter at his question. he could answer but — it would be easier to lean up and kiss him himself. so he does, lips finding his, hand gripping daan’s. ]
…I know the circumstances aren’t the best… [ a beat. ] But this past week… I don’t regret it. Spending time with you like this…
[ waking up together. going to bed together. seeing each other everyday. it’s been…
it’s been nice. ]
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Granted, I do wish the reason you came to stay with me was better, but I feel the same. ...I can't remember the last time I slept so soundly.
[Especially next to someone. Quietly, Daan had worried that maybe he was too physically clingy, holding onto Cloud for most if not all of the night; it's something Elise would remark about.
But it doesn't seem to be the case at all with Cloud. It's a relief, which is a strange realization but no less truthful.]
You can... keep staying. For as long as you want to.
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[ he falls back into silence -- he's never spent so long in mundanity with someone. nothing to distract him, no goalpost towards survival, no looming fate. just the company of another person, an ordinary life, day to day conversation about nothing and everything at once. ]
Daan, I--
[ he knows what he wants to say in the depths of his heart, but it hasn't reached the confines of his mind yet. so it's trapped in his throat, and he swallows it back down -- before his hands latch onto daan's waist and he pulls him into his lap, selfishly. ]
I know it's weird, but it's... it's hard to imagine life without you now.
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[The sheer strength from Cloud shouldn't surprise him by this point, but sometimes it does catch him off guard. Not that he minds; there's some kind of security in another person's strength that gives him comfort, and Daan settles into his lap.
The confession -- as it is, more or less -- does make him hesitate. It's not as if Daan doesn't know. He's known for awhile now, even if there are very large parts left unsaid. A part of his chest clenches, twists, mostly out of fear. Fear for his own future, for Cloud's well-being. They've played that song and dance already more than a few times, especially when Daan reacted so poorly to waking up with a ring on his hand.
Daan places a hand to the of Cloud's neck, thumb tracing over skin. To be this important to someone, that too is something he's always yearned for.
Why was it so different with Elise?]...Would you really take me back with you?
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I would.
[ said firmly, rigidly, lacking in any uncertainty. there's so much he doesn't know -- about himself, his life, his wants. but this, he does. a hand cups daan's jawline, fingers sweeping across his cheek. ]
You're out of your mind if you think I'm letting you rot back home. I'm not leaving you there. Over my dead body.
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...I don't have anything left there anyway. Or anyone. Marina doesn't want to go back either. So, really, going home with you would only be a win for me.
[Which means Daan has even less reason to go back.]
Winning this game might be the only other way I find out what happened to Elise. Is... that okay?
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[ his wife — right. it’s understandable that she’d be at the forefront of his mind. features grave and attentive, cloud nods his head, hands set against daan’s waist. ]
…Yeah. You don’t… have to ask me for permission, you know. You’re your own person — and she… she’s important to you.
…Listen. If you need help then just… just let me know, alright?
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[Is this what it's like? Being told that he'd be taken care of, that he would be protected. When after his entire life he's spent it trying to survive, to take care of himself, to have something to live for.
Maybe this is just a taste of it -- but that's also why he's utterly failed at letting go of Marina or Cloud. Never mind the fact that both of them are stubborn, but now that he's had it, he doesn't want to imagine what it's like without it. Daan isn't certain he can deal with that ever again.]
Maybe I don't need to have your permission, but... I wanted to be clear on my intention. No bullshit, right?
But I'll try to be better about asking for your help. I know I haven't been fantastic about that.
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no, that couldn’t be. they weren’t— this was just a temporary arrangement. he remembers daan’s reaction when they gotten married quite distinctly. this wasn’t that kind of relationship, it wasn’t a long standing commitment—
then why in the world does it feel like one? and why… is he happy that it does?
cloud’s gaze entangles with his. he pulls him closer. ]
Just stay with me. That’s all I need from you.
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Wish granted. I'm afraid to say at this point that you're rather stuck with me.
[Daan knows. Not just Cloud's feelings, but his own -- how deep he had gotten, how deeper still it goes and will probably keep going.
Eventually, it will be a matter they both have to face. For now, though, this is enough. It's damn well near enough the stir happiness in his heart when he had only known grief and sorrow for so damned long.]
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[ his hands slide down daan’s back, possessive and greedy. it isn’t long before his lips are against daan’s, kissing him in slow and measured motions, chest pressed to his. he feels it — the rhythm of his heartbeat, melodious and sweet. ]
Wanna see how stuck you can get?
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He'll let himself chase after it.
Cloud's invitation earns a brief little laugh from Daan. It's short, but genuine.]
How could I turn you down wit a line like that?
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