I want you to know that I'm going to do my very best to not disagree with you out loud.
[Even though he still struggles to see it. To see himself so positively. Smart, kind, good. But he doesn't vocalize it more.
The mention of family earns a stunned look, Daan's eye trailing down to their hands. The expression he wears is bashful now, less confident, but not in a bad way. Really, he just hadn't expected that kind of declaration.]
...I would've been happy with that.
[Ultimately, it's always what he wanted. To be loved, to have a family. Only... it'd be something truly special in this imaginary scenario with Cloud and his mother. And he never really felt like he belonged in the von Dutch manor. Because he didn't, he knew that, and the cat knew it too. Who could say he'd belong anywhere?]
Don’t like that you’re thinking it. At least if you say it aloud, I can fight you on it.
[ geez. he wants to flick him on the head sometimes. but more importantly, cloud notices that momentary bashfulness, fingers delicately wrapping around daan’s with a squeeze.
it’s stupid, thinking about this life that’ll never happen. he can’t help it regardless. ]
Hey, I'm at least acknowledging it. That's gotta count for something.
[There's a moment of quiet from Daan. It's still hard to digest the idea, that he deserves anything so good. But he knows that Cloud and Marina certainly seem to think so, and he cares deeply for the both of them.
That's what matters, so much.
His hand returns the squeeze, and he looks at Cloud hesitantly.]
Thank you.
...May I kiss you? [A question so usually asked by Cloud.]
[ cloud’s features ease into something gentler, something lighter at his question. he could answer but — it would be easier to lean up and kiss him himself. so he does, lips finding his, hand gripping daan’s. ]
…I know the circumstances aren’t the best… [ a beat. ] But this past week… I don’t regret it. Spending time with you like this…
[ waking up together. going to bed together. seeing each other everyday. it’s been…
[Getting a response by simply being kissed is more than enough. It's a simple little gesture, but it does more to move his heart than any amount of sex. Faintly, he smiles to himself, rubbing his thumb over Cloud's knuckles.]
Granted, I do wish the reason you came to stay with me was better, but I feel the same. ...I can't remember the last time I slept so soundly.
[Especially next to someone. Quietly, Daan had worried that maybe he was too physically clingy, holding onto Cloud for most if not all of the night; it's something Elise would remark about.
But it doesn't seem to be the case at all with Cloud. It's a relief, which is a strange realization but no less truthful.]
You can... keep staying. For as long as you want to.
[ he falls back into silence -- he's never spent so long in mundanity with someone. nothing to distract him, no goalpost towards survival, no looming fate. just the company of another person, an ordinary life, day to day conversation about nothing and everything at once. ]
Daan, I--
[ he knows what he wants to say in the depths of his heart, but it hasn't reached the confines of his mind yet. so it's trapped in his throat, and he swallows it back down -- before his hands latch onto daan's waist and he pulls him into his lap, selfishly. ]
I know it's weird, but it's... it's hard to imagine life without you now.
[The sheer strength from Cloud shouldn't surprise him by this point, but sometimes it does catch him off guard. Not that he minds; there's some kind of security in another person's strength that gives him comfort, and Daan settles into his lap.
The confession -- as it is, more or less -- does make him hesitate. It's not as if Daan doesn't know. He's known for awhile now, even if there are very large parts left unsaid. A part of his chest clenches, twists, mostly out of fear. Fear for his own future, for Cloud's well-being. They've played that song and dance already more than a few times, especially when Daan reacted so poorly to waking up with a ring on his hand.
Daan places a hand to the of Cloud's neck, thumb tracing over skin. To be this important to someone, that too is something he's always yearned for. Why was it so different with Elise?]
[ said firmly, rigidly, lacking in any uncertainty. there's so much he doesn't know -- about himself, his life, his wants. but this, he does. a hand cups daan's jawline, fingers sweeping across his cheek. ]
You're out of your mind if you think I'm letting you rot back home. I'm not leaving you there. Over my dead body.
...I don't have anything left there anyway. Or anyone. Marina doesn't want to go back either. So, really, going home with you would only be a win for me.
[Which means Daan has even less reason to go back.]
Winning this game might be the only other way I find out what happened to Elise. Is... that okay?
…Even if there’s nothing for you back there, you’ve got me now. And Marina. I’m not letting anything happen to either of you.
[ his wife — right. it’s understandable that she’d be at the forefront of his mind. features grave and attentive, cloud nods his head, hands set against daan’s waist. ]
…Yeah. You don’t… have to ask me for permission, you know. You’re your own person — and she… she’s important to you.
…Listen. If you need help then just… just let me know, alright?
[Is this what it's like? Being told that he'd be taken care of, that he would be protected. When after his entire life he's spent it trying to survive, to take care of himself, to have something to live for.
Maybe this is just a taste of it -- but that's also why he's utterly failed at letting go of Marina or Cloud. Never mind the fact that both of them are stubborn, but now that he's had it, he doesn't want to imagine what it's like without it. Daan isn't certain he can deal with that ever again.]
Maybe I don't need to have your permission, but... I wanted to be clear on my intention. No bullshit, right?
But I'll try to be better about asking for your help. I know I haven't been fantastic about that.
[ “wanted to be clear on my intention—“ sits at the back of his head, lingering. this sounded like…
no, that couldn’t be. they weren’t— this was just a temporary arrangement. he remembers daan’s reaction when they gotten married quite distinctly. this wasn’t that kind of relationship, it wasn’t a long standing commitment—
then why in the world does it feel like one? and why… is he happy that it does?
cloud’s gaze entangles with his. he pulls him closer. ]
[Arms encircle Cloud's shoulders, Daan brushing his lips against the other's forehead.]
Wish granted. I'm afraid to say at this point that you're rather stuck with me.
[Daan knows. Not just Cloud's feelings, but his own -- how deep he had gotten, how deeper still it goes and will probably keep going.
Eventually, it will be a matter they both have to face. For now, though, this is enough. It's damn well near enough the stir happiness in his heart when he had only known grief and sorrow for so damned long.]
[ his hands slide down daan’s back, possessive and greedy. it isn’t long before his lips are against daan’s, kissing him in slow and measured motions, chest pressed to his. he feels it — the rhythm of his heartbeat, melodious and sweet. ]
[A hand cups the back of Cloud's head, gently scratching through spikes and against his scalp. He leans into the kiss, smiling slightly against him; it's slow, and gentle, nothing quick and fierce. Daan enjoys both, but the former feels so rare until recently.
He'll let himself chase after it.
Cloud's invitation earns a brief little laugh from Daan. It's short, but genuine.]
[ well, that stew is undoubtedly going to get cold — but it’s fine.
cloud kisses him again, fingers sneaking beneath the hem of daan’s shirt, gripping him by his hips. his lips brush up his neckline, peppering pecks along his skin, each one warming with affection. ]
[ his voice, for as level and stoic as it is, ripples with traces of amusement; his hands glide further down to palm at daan's ass. he loves the sight of that smile, and he doesn't know when he started to. ]
Depends. [ he teases. ] Remember when I said-- I had those dreams... about us in every part of your suite?
There's a soft noise at the hands settling on his ass, and Daan presses back against those palms. Fingers trace over the back of Cloud's neck, Daan's smile lingering.]
[ he gropes a little more harshly, that inhuman strength bleeding into his grip. the pads of daan's fingers grazing down the back of his neck sends a jolt of electricity down his spine, hairs standing on end. cloud leans in and nips at the crook of daan's neck. ]
Our clothes coming off, for one. [ then comes a thought-- ] We're already at the table. We can start here and make our way around throughout the day. Think you can handle that?
[The firmer grip makes him hum, feeling just a fraction of his superior strength. He tips his chin back, letting Cloud have clear access to his neck, eager for his affection.]
Through the day, he says. I'm gonna be real interested to see how literal you mean. [Daan pulls off his necktie in one clean motion, letting it drop to the table.] I think I can.
I mean it pretty literally. I told you to cancel your plans for a reason.
[ cue taken. he kisses a stripe up jawline, taking care to press his lips against his eyepatch. it's a gentle, brisk movement. ]
I've got mako in me. If I can fight all day, I can fuck too. [ he's not normally so blunt in this regard, but -- they've gotten comfortable enough with this that it comes naturally. ]
Helps that I don't get sick of you. [ more shyly: ] ...I mean that. Seeing your face everyday...
It's... it's been good for me. More than you know.
[ those words make his heart stir, fluttering against his ribcage. his fingers trace up the curvature of daan's jawline, delicately coaxing him into another kiss. he has his taste memorized by now, but somehow, he never grows tired of it. so he kisses him again, over and over, the silence of daan's suite only stifled by the sound of their lips smacking against one another.
"i'm all yours." ...he could get addicted to the sound of that. ]
...I watch you when you sleep sometimes, too. [ he probably sounds like a creep, but-- ] You hold onto me a little tighter when you're deep in your dreams. Makes me wonder what you're thinking about.
[ if it's a good dream -- if it's of a world that's treated him better. ]
...Daan. [ his voice lowers, tense and steely. ] ...If you say that you're mine, then... I'm not gonna hold back.
[It quickly begins to feel like nothing outside of this room matters. And right now, he doesn't mind that, just content to leaning into each kiss, chasing after Cloud's lips eagerly. He's almost frustrated that their mouths part to talk.]
I can tell you that they're better dreams than I've had for awhile.
[And that is the truth. He's been chased by nightmares for the majority of his life. It's much improved now, but he sleeps all the more soundly if Cloud is here with him.
Daan leans back a bit, then grins at Cloud.]
Is that a problem? I don't really want you to hold back at all. I was happy having those bruises on me, even if it was only for a little while.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Even though he still struggles to see it. To see himself so positively. Smart, kind, good. But he doesn't vocalize it more.
The mention of family earns a stunned look, Daan's eye trailing down to their hands. The expression he wears is bashful now, less confident, but not in a bad way. Really, he just hadn't expected that kind of declaration.]
...I would've been happy with that.
[Ultimately, it's always what he wanted. To be loved, to have a family. Only... it'd be something truly special in this imaginary scenario with Cloud and his mother.
And he never really felt like he belonged in the von Dutch manor. Because he didn't, he knew that, and the cat knew it too. Who could say he'd belong anywhere?]no subject
[ geez. he wants to flick him on the head sometimes. but more importantly, cloud notices that momentary bashfulness, fingers delicately wrapping around daan’s with a squeeze.
it’s stupid, thinking about this life that’ll never happen. he can’t help it regardless. ]
You deserve to be.
[ his eyes flicker up. ]
Even if you don’t think so… I do.
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[There's a moment of quiet from Daan. It's still hard to digest the idea, that he deserves anything so good. But he knows that Cloud and Marina certainly seem to think so, and he cares deeply for the both of them.
That's what matters, so much.
His hand returns the squeeze, and he looks at Cloud hesitantly.]
Thank you.
...May I kiss you? [A question so usually asked by Cloud.]
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[ cloud’s features ease into something gentler, something lighter at his question. he could answer but — it would be easier to lean up and kiss him himself. so he does, lips finding his, hand gripping daan’s. ]
…I know the circumstances aren’t the best… [ a beat. ] But this past week… I don’t regret it. Spending time with you like this…
[ waking up together. going to bed together. seeing each other everyday. it’s been…
it’s been nice. ]
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Granted, I do wish the reason you came to stay with me was better, but I feel the same. ...I can't remember the last time I slept so soundly.
[Especially next to someone. Quietly, Daan had worried that maybe he was too physically clingy, holding onto Cloud for most if not all of the night; it's something Elise would remark about.
But it doesn't seem to be the case at all with Cloud. It's a relief, which is a strange realization but no less truthful.]
You can... keep staying. For as long as you want to.
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[ he falls back into silence -- he's never spent so long in mundanity with someone. nothing to distract him, no goalpost towards survival, no looming fate. just the company of another person, an ordinary life, day to day conversation about nothing and everything at once. ]
Daan, I--
[ he knows what he wants to say in the depths of his heart, but it hasn't reached the confines of his mind yet. so it's trapped in his throat, and he swallows it back down -- before his hands latch onto daan's waist and he pulls him into his lap, selfishly. ]
I know it's weird, but it's... it's hard to imagine life without you now.
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[The sheer strength from Cloud shouldn't surprise him by this point, but sometimes it does catch him off guard. Not that he minds; there's some kind of security in another person's strength that gives him comfort, and Daan settles into his lap.
The confession -- as it is, more or less -- does make him hesitate. It's not as if Daan doesn't know. He's known for awhile now, even if there are very large parts left unsaid. A part of his chest clenches, twists, mostly out of fear. Fear for his own future, for Cloud's well-being. They've played that song and dance already more than a few times, especially when Daan reacted so poorly to waking up with a ring on his hand.
Daan places a hand to the of Cloud's neck, thumb tracing over skin. To be this important to someone, that too is something he's always yearned for.
Why was it so different with Elise?]...Would you really take me back with you?
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I would.
[ said firmly, rigidly, lacking in any uncertainty. there's so much he doesn't know -- about himself, his life, his wants. but this, he does. a hand cups daan's jawline, fingers sweeping across his cheek. ]
You're out of your mind if you think I'm letting you rot back home. I'm not leaving you there. Over my dead body.
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...I don't have anything left there anyway. Or anyone. Marina doesn't want to go back either. So, really, going home with you would only be a win for me.
[Which means Daan has even less reason to go back.]
Winning this game might be the only other way I find out what happened to Elise. Is... that okay?
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[ his wife — right. it’s understandable that she’d be at the forefront of his mind. features grave and attentive, cloud nods his head, hands set against daan’s waist. ]
…Yeah. You don’t… have to ask me for permission, you know. You’re your own person — and she… she’s important to you.
…Listen. If you need help then just… just let me know, alright?
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[Is this what it's like? Being told that he'd be taken care of, that he would be protected. When after his entire life he's spent it trying to survive, to take care of himself, to have something to live for.
Maybe this is just a taste of it -- but that's also why he's utterly failed at letting go of Marina or Cloud. Never mind the fact that both of them are stubborn, but now that he's had it, he doesn't want to imagine what it's like without it. Daan isn't certain he can deal with that ever again.]
Maybe I don't need to have your permission, but... I wanted to be clear on my intention. No bullshit, right?
But I'll try to be better about asking for your help. I know I haven't been fantastic about that.
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no, that couldn’t be. they weren’t— this was just a temporary arrangement. he remembers daan’s reaction when they gotten married quite distinctly. this wasn’t that kind of relationship, it wasn’t a long standing commitment—
then why in the world does it feel like one? and why… is he happy that it does?
cloud’s gaze entangles with his. he pulls him closer. ]
Just stay with me. That’s all I need from you.
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Wish granted. I'm afraid to say at this point that you're rather stuck with me.
[Daan knows. Not just Cloud's feelings, but his own -- how deep he had gotten, how deeper still it goes and will probably keep going.
Eventually, it will be a matter they both have to face. For now, though, this is enough. It's damn well near enough the stir happiness in his heart when he had only known grief and sorrow for so damned long.]
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[ his hands slide down daan’s back, possessive and greedy. it isn’t long before his lips are against daan’s, kissing him in slow and measured motions, chest pressed to his. he feels it — the rhythm of his heartbeat, melodious and sweet. ]
Wanna see how stuck you can get?
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He'll let himself chase after it.
Cloud's invitation earns a brief little laugh from Daan. It's short, but genuine.]
How could I turn you down wit a line like that?
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cloud kisses him again, fingers sneaking beneath the hem of daan’s shirt, gripping him by his hips. his lips brush up his neckline, peppering pecks along his skin, each one warming with affection. ]
…If you’ve got any plans for today, cancel ‘em.
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There's a pleased sigh at the kisses spreading over his pale skin, Daan turning his head to lightly nibble at Cloud's ear.]
I see my day is suddenly going to be occupied by you, then. What a problem.
[Daan acquiesces easily with a sharper smile.] All right. Gladly. Got anything in mind?
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[ his voice, for as level and stoic as it is, ripples with traces of amusement; his hands glide further down to palm at daan's ass. he loves the sight of that smile, and he doesn't know when he started to. ]
Depends. [ he teases. ] Remember when I said-- I had those dreams... about us in every part of your suite?
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[Definitely said without any seriousness.
There's a soft noise at the hands settling on his ass, and Daan presses back against those palms. Fingers trace over the back of Cloud's neck, Daan's smile lingering.]
Oh yes. I remember.
So what's the next part of those dreams?
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[ he gropes a little more harshly, that inhuman strength bleeding into his grip. the pads of daan's fingers grazing down the back of his neck sends a jolt of electricity down his spine, hairs standing on end. cloud leans in and nips at the crook of daan's neck. ]
Our clothes coming off, for one. [ then comes a thought-- ] We're already at the table. We can start here and make our way around throughout the day. Think you can handle that?
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[The firmer grip makes him hum, feeling just a fraction of his superior strength. He tips his chin back, letting Cloud have clear access to his neck, eager for his affection.]
Through the day, he says. I'm gonna be real interested to see how literal you mean. [Daan pulls off his necktie in one clean motion, letting it drop to the table.] I think I can.
Can you?
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[ cue taken. he kisses a stripe up jawline, taking care to press his lips against his eyepatch. it's a gentle, brisk movement. ]
I've got mako in me. If I can fight all day, I can fuck too. [ he's not normally so blunt in this regard, but -- they've gotten comfortable enough with this that it comes naturally. ]
Helps that I don't get sick of you. [ more shyly: ] ...I mean that. Seeing your face everyday...
It's... it's been good for me. More than you know.
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[Which isn't hard to do. Marina will just make fun of him later for it, and he likes the teasing anyway.
He pauses briefly at the lips against his eyepatch. Not in a bad way, but the tender attention does bring a bit of pink dusting his pale face.]
It just so happens that I quite enjoy waking up and seeing you're... still there. You can look so peaceful when you're sleeping.
I like you, Cloud. A lot. I'm grateful you gave me another chance. [Well. It's becoming more than just liking, but one step at a time.] I'm all yours.
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"i'm all yours." ...he could get addicted to the sound of that. ]
...I watch you when you sleep sometimes, too. [ he probably sounds like a creep, but-- ] You hold onto me a little tighter when you're deep in your dreams. Makes me wonder what you're thinking about.
[ if it's a good dream -- if it's of a world that's treated him better. ]
...Daan. [ his voice lowers, tense and steely. ] ...If you say that you're mine, then... I'm not gonna hold back.
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I can tell you that they're better dreams than I've had for awhile.
[And that is the truth. He's been chased by nightmares for the majority of his life. It's much improved now, but he sleeps all the more soundly if Cloud is here with him.
Daan leans back a bit, then grins at Cloud.]
Is that a problem? I don't really want you to hold back at all. I was happy having those bruises on me, even if it was only for a little while.
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