[ and whenever zack does send his location, cloud will follow through promptly. it's nerve wracking, really, and he finds himself fretting over the most seemingly trivial of details -- from how his hair parts to his outfit. he settles for a leather jacket and slacks, awkwardly lingering outside of the entrance to zack's suite after wrapping his knuckles against his sorry excuse for a door. ]
[ Comparatively, he's underdressed--a pair of joggers and a tank top, both black to match, his feet bare, his hair a bit wild down his back. The smile he's plastered on is performative, practiced: the kind he's stowed away in his arsenal for nights like these, situations where things feel hopeless. It isn't Cloud's fault, and there's no reason to trouble him with his issues as of late, so he tries to put a bit of cheer into his voice when he pulls the door open.
The suite isn't even really a suite, but living in the barracks once upon a time means he can make the most of it. The room is neat and clean, the bed still made, what little clothes and toiletries he has kept tidy on the small shelf that serves as a closet. He takes a step back to let Cloud in, brandishing that lackluster smile, and gestures towards the bed. Not too many places to sit here. ]
Hey, Cloud. Come on in. [ And, genuinely: ] You look great.
[ cloud's slower on the uptake than most -- he's never been renown for his charisma or perception of people. but he knows zack well enough, like the steady staccato of his own heartbeat, to recognize when he's putting on a smile for the sake of it. it makes something in him ache.
he steps into his suite gingerly. it's small. so small. he deserved better than this. instinctively, he looks away when the compliment rolls in, a hand coming to the back of his head sheepishly. ]
...Thanks. You-- look better, honestly. [ he always did. ] There's a reason people are always all over you, you know.
[ well, there are more than a few reasons, but he'll reserve that information for himself. ]
...Zack. [ he states more firmly. ] I think... something's bothering you. Even if you aren't saying it.
[ he steps closer to him -- not that there's much space in here at all, but... with his arms folded, eyes trained on his: ]
[ With the both of them there, it's definitely a little crowded--he's too tall for this on a good day, but with Cloud in there with him, it feels like the space is infinitely smaller, something he feels almost guilty for: he should have offered to go up to see him, instead. With a slightly sheepish smile, he takes a step back, bumping against one of the walls to make more room. Cloud doesn't take the spot he offers, and instead, advances forward a little--but there's nowhere else for him to go, and no way to avoid that direct sort of question.
It's bad, isn't it? He'd always kept his chin up even when things felt hopeless, and of all people, Cloud shouldn't be the one having to shoulder him like this. He shouldn't be forced to see through him, like this.
One of his hands moves to his hip, the other lifting towards his hair, raking back through it with another small smile. ]
I think... it's just this place, you know? I'm... Well, it doesn't matter. But I...
[ A swallow. ] Some guy on the network. He said his friend likes Aerith, or something. Seemed to feel bad, having to tell me. And I just kinda... I mean, I'm in the way, you know?
With her. [ With you. ] And I'm thinking...just...maybe it wasn't right.
[ cloud is silent -- there's an ache that pulsates deep within his chest, and he turns his head away again, blinking as the quiet looms over them both.
but he turns back -- this is something he has to face. he's... something he has to face. zack deserved that little, that much from him. so he peers into his eyes, mako gaze reflecting his own, the same poison binding them together.
his body moves on its own. two hands set at zack's waist, holding him in place. slowly, he pulls him into his embrace; zack is taller, so he has to nose into the crook of his shoulder. but it's alright. this was alright. ]
...I'm glad you're here.
[ it's said quietly, practically lost in the fabric of his shirt. ]
With us. With... me. [ his cheek rests against his neck, eyes fluttering shut. ] And I don't--
...I don't want to lose you again. I'm... scared of that. So scared, I don't know what to do sometimes...
[ It's wrong, like this. It's wrong, and he knows it's wrong--he's never been anything but the person that Cloud could depend on, and the person that took care of him when he couldn't take care of himself. It feels a little like letting himself down, in a way, to show him these things he doesn't like, to let him hear these words that he's circled around in his head, alone, laying in his small bed; after all, will Cloud look at him differently after this? See him as less of a hero? Less of a person to depend on?
He's fumbling to try to find something positive to say--something to brighten up the mood, something to smile about, something to reassure Cloud about. But the silence stretches there, and he thinks maybe he's finally done it: maybe he's really messed this one up.
Except Cloud moves, and his hands set on his waist, holding him there for a moment before pulling him in. Automatic, without any thought, his arms go around Cloud's shoulders, dragging him in against his chest; his breath steadies, a warm, slow thing against the side of his head, where Cloud's tucked himself in against the crook of his neck. ]
I know. [ It's quiet, after a moment: quiet, and honestly, like this? When it feels like he has to protect Cloud from something? It helps bolster his mood, helps him lean away from those feelings directed at himself. ] I know it must be scary. And I wanna give you the space to...deal with that, and deal with...me.
[ Another soft, slow breath. His eyes close for a moment. ]
You know? I was scared, too. Scared that once we got to Midgar, that maybe you'd never... I thought I might lose you, and I just... I could never let myself think it. I had no idea what I would do. So I get it. I really... I get it.
[ it's strange, how things have changed -- cloud, for all of his fragility and in spite of it, wants to do this for him. but in the end, it only makes sense: this pain they carried was a tether. whatever happened in those 5 years, that haze of torment and loss that so often confounded him, was reserved for the two of them.
cloud stays as he is. his embrace is rigid, as if he's certain that this is he wants, even if there's so much he doesn't know, so much he's entirely unaware of. the palm of his hand is anchored against zack's back as if that'll ground him in what's real. ]
All of it's...still messed up, really. [ he swallows. ] My head... my memories of whatever happened back then... But I heard your voice, even after you were gone. Sometimes... it was the only thing that kept me going.
You were my first friend. My... only friend. And-- my best one, too.
[ his voice softens, on the cusp of a whisper. he has to actively push every single syllable out, as if he's on the verge of lapsing into something he shouldn't. but he tries no less, finding the strength in the depths of his chest, a flickering warmth that he latches onto with all of his might. ]
You... don't know how much my world changed when you left it. And now you're here and-- you could be... I don't know. Happy this time. Like you should've been. You deserved that. You... always did.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ then comes a long, drawn out silence before he texts again. ]
sorry. for not being around. i've been trying sort some things out.
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I just wanted to make sure you were okay, doing okay, being treated okay and all that. Guess I'm kind of a worrier when it comes to you.
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but you don't have to worry about me. you shouldn't have to to start with.
i'm sorry. for making you feel like you do.
[ a pause. ]
they still got you down in the basement?
you know you can use my room if you want, right? at least i have a shower.
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Yeah, same place for me. I don't wanna get in your way. Kinda feels like I'm getting in everyone's way lately, haha.
Appreciate it though. I'm clean, I promise~
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[ his fingers shake. a minute passes. ]
i want to see you again. can i come over?
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i'll be there in the next hour.
[ and whenever zack does send his location, cloud will follow through promptly. it's nerve wracking, really, and he finds himself fretting over the most seemingly trivial of details -- from how his hair parts to his outfit. he settles for a leather jacket and slacks, awkwardly lingering outside of the entrance to zack's suite after wrapping his knuckles against his sorry excuse for a door. ]
...Hey. It's Cloud.
no subject
The suite isn't even really a suite, but living in the barracks once upon a time means he can make the most of it. The room is neat and clean, the bed still made, what little clothes and toiletries he has kept tidy on the small shelf that serves as a closet. He takes a step back to let Cloud in, brandishing that lackluster smile, and gestures towards the bed. Not too many places to sit here. ]
Hey, Cloud. Come on in. [ And, genuinely: ] You look great.
no subject
he steps into his suite gingerly. it's small. so small. he deserved better than this. instinctively, he looks away when the compliment rolls in, a hand coming to the back of his head sheepishly. ]
...Thanks. You-- look better, honestly. [ he always did. ] There's a reason people are always all over you, you know.
[ well, there are more than a few reasons, but he'll reserve that information for himself. ]
...Zack. [ he states more firmly. ] I think... something's bothering you. Even if you aren't saying it.
[ he steps closer to him -- not that there's much space in here at all, but... with his arms folded, eyes trained on his: ]
What's going on?
no subject
It's bad, isn't it? He'd always kept his chin up even when things felt hopeless, and of all people, Cloud shouldn't be the one having to shoulder him like this. He shouldn't be forced to see through him, like this.
One of his hands moves to his hip, the other lifting towards his hair, raking back through it with another small smile. ]
I think... it's just this place, you know? I'm... Well, it doesn't matter. But I...
[ A swallow. ] Some guy on the network. He said his friend likes Aerith, or something. Seemed to feel bad, having to tell me. And I just kinda... I mean, I'm in the way, you know?
With her. [ With you. ] And I'm thinking...just...maybe it wasn't right.
[ --that he arrived here at all. ]
no subject
but he turns back -- this is something he has to face. he's... something he has to face. zack deserved that little, that much from him. so he peers into his eyes, mako gaze reflecting his own, the same poison binding them together.
his body moves on its own. two hands set at zack's waist, holding him in place. slowly, he pulls him into his embrace; zack is taller, so he has to nose into the crook of his shoulder. but it's alright. this was alright. ]
...I'm glad you're here.
[ it's said quietly, practically lost in the fabric of his shirt. ]
With us. With... me. [ his cheek rests against his neck, eyes fluttering shut. ] And I don't--
...I don't want to lose you again. I'm... scared of that. So scared, I don't know what to do sometimes...
no subject
He's fumbling to try to find something positive to say--something to brighten up the mood, something to smile about, something to reassure Cloud about. But the silence stretches there, and he thinks maybe he's finally done it: maybe he's really messed this one up.
Except Cloud moves, and his hands set on his waist, holding him there for a moment before pulling him in. Automatic, without any thought, his arms go around Cloud's shoulders, dragging him in against his chest; his breath steadies, a warm, slow thing against the side of his head, where Cloud's tucked himself in against the crook of his neck. ]
I know. [ It's quiet, after a moment: quiet, and honestly, like this? When it feels like he has to protect Cloud from something? It helps bolster his mood, helps him lean away from those feelings directed at himself. ] I know it must be scary. And I wanna give you the space to...deal with that, and deal with...me.
[ Another soft, slow breath. His eyes close for a moment. ]
You know? I was scared, too. Scared that once we got to Midgar, that maybe you'd never... I thought I might lose you, and I just... I could never let myself think it. I had no idea what I would do. So I get it. I really... I get it.
no subject
cloud stays as he is. his embrace is rigid, as if he's certain that this is he wants, even if there's so much he doesn't know, so much he's entirely unaware of. the palm of his hand is anchored against zack's back as if that'll ground him in what's real. ]
All of it's...still messed up, really. [ he swallows. ] My head... my memories of whatever happened back then... But I heard your voice, even after you were gone. Sometimes... it was the only thing that kept me going.
You were my first friend. My... only friend. And-- my best one, too.
[ his voice softens, on the cusp of a whisper. he has to actively push every single syllable out, as if he's on the verge of lapsing into something he shouldn't. but he tries no less, finding the strength in the depths of his chest, a flickering warmth that he latches onto with all of his might. ]
You... don't know how much my world changed when you left it. And now you're here and-- you could be... I don't know. Happy this time. Like you should've been. You deserved that. You... always did.