[ It's wrong, like this. It's wrong, and he knows it's wrong--he's never been anything but the person that Cloud could depend on, and the person that took care of him when he couldn't take care of himself. It feels a little like letting himself down, in a way, to show him these things he doesn't like, to let him hear these words that he's circled around in his head, alone, laying in his small bed; after all, will Cloud look at him differently after this? See him as less of a hero? Less of a person to depend on?
He's fumbling to try to find something positive to say--something to brighten up the mood, something to smile about, something to reassure Cloud about. But the silence stretches there, and he thinks maybe he's finally done it: maybe he's really messed this one up.
Except Cloud moves, and his hands set on his waist, holding him there for a moment before pulling him in. Automatic, without any thought, his arms go around Cloud's shoulders, dragging him in against his chest; his breath steadies, a warm, slow thing against the side of his head, where Cloud's tucked himself in against the crook of his neck. ]
I know. [ It's quiet, after a moment: quiet, and honestly, like this? When it feels like he has to protect Cloud from something? It helps bolster his mood, helps him lean away from those feelings directed at himself. ] I know it must be scary. And I wanna give you the space to...deal with that, and deal with...me.
[ Another soft, slow breath. His eyes close for a moment. ]
You know? I was scared, too. Scared that once we got to Midgar, that maybe you'd never... I thought I might lose you, and I just... I could never let myself think it. I had no idea what I would do. So I get it. I really... I get it.
[ it's strange, how things have changed -- cloud, for all of his fragility and in spite of it, wants to do this for him. but in the end, it only makes sense: this pain they carried was a tether. whatever happened in those 5 years, that haze of torment and loss that so often confounded him, was reserved for the two of them.
cloud stays as he is. his embrace is rigid, as if he's certain that this is he wants, even if there's so much he doesn't know, so much he's entirely unaware of. the palm of his hand is anchored against zack's back as if that'll ground him in what's real. ]
All of it's...still messed up, really. [ he swallows. ] My head... my memories of whatever happened back then... But I heard your voice, even after you were gone. Sometimes... it was the only thing that kept me going.
You were my first friend. My... only friend. And-- my best one, too.
[ his voice softens, on the cusp of a whisper. he has to actively push every single syllable out, as if he's on the verge of lapsing into something he shouldn't. but he tries no less, finding the strength in the depths of his chest, a flickering warmth that he latches onto with all of his might. ]
You... don't know how much my world changed when you left it. And now you're here and-- you could be... I don't know. Happy this time. Like you should've been. You deserved that. You... always did.
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He's fumbling to try to find something positive to say--something to brighten up the mood, something to smile about, something to reassure Cloud about. But the silence stretches there, and he thinks maybe he's finally done it: maybe he's really messed this one up.
Except Cloud moves, and his hands set on his waist, holding him there for a moment before pulling him in. Automatic, without any thought, his arms go around Cloud's shoulders, dragging him in against his chest; his breath steadies, a warm, slow thing against the side of his head, where Cloud's tucked himself in against the crook of his neck. ]
I know. [ It's quiet, after a moment: quiet, and honestly, like this? When it feels like he has to protect Cloud from something? It helps bolster his mood, helps him lean away from those feelings directed at himself. ] I know it must be scary. And I wanna give you the space to...deal with that, and deal with...me.
[ Another soft, slow breath. His eyes close for a moment. ]
You know? I was scared, too. Scared that once we got to Midgar, that maybe you'd never... I thought I might lose you, and I just... I could never let myself think it. I had no idea what I would do. So I get it. I really... I get it.
no subject
cloud stays as he is. his embrace is rigid, as if he's certain that this is he wants, even if there's so much he doesn't know, so much he's entirely unaware of. the palm of his hand is anchored against zack's back as if that'll ground him in what's real. ]
All of it's...still messed up, really. [ he swallows. ] My head... my memories of whatever happened back then... But I heard your voice, even after you were gone. Sometimes... it was the only thing that kept me going.
You were my first friend. My... only friend. And-- my best one, too.
[ his voice softens, on the cusp of a whisper. he has to actively push every single syllable out, as if he's on the verge of lapsing into something he shouldn't. but he tries no less, finding the strength in the depths of his chest, a flickering warmth that he latches onto with all of his might. ]
You... don't know how much my world changed when you left it. And now you're here and-- you could be... I don't know. Happy this time. Like you should've been. You deserved that. You... always did.