[ he says it in that deadpan cadence, hardly emoting -- but he trusts that she knows him well enough to detect when he's simply being himself.
in reality, he can't remember -- what SOLDIER taught him beyond the basics of combat. he remembers the barracks, the constant uphill marches and a rifle in his hands, but not much else.
why was there a rifle to begin with?
cloud shakes the feeling of gun metal, cold and hard, off. in any case, he's almost finished with his bowl of noodles. ]
Girls... [ he remarks, contemplative. ] Friends or...?
[ a beat. "something else?" is implied in the silence. ]
...Not much. [ that's a lie, but he says it coolly no less. ] Turns out not... everyone here is a lost cause.
[ and then he swallows. ]
There's... a guy, actually. And he's-- ...a good person. [ there's fondness softening those words, even if he feigns an attempt at repressing it. ] Don't see that often these days. Turns out he's a doctor, so... if you need anything, just tell him you know me, alright?
[ She shakes her head, twirling her noodles around the bowl. ]
Just friends. I'm not playing the game.
[ But she's a little pink, because she definitely...kissed two different girls. One naked. And she doesn't know if that means she likes girls? She didn't dislike it.
She's saved having to keep thinking about it because Cloud is actually talking.
And her stomach flips at the same time her heart swells. She's so glad he's making friends. She was worried. But...
She thinks again, maybe he turned her down because he likes men. That hurts less than just somehow not being the right girl for him. If that's the case, though, maybe she doesn't have to be quite so careful about some things.
She reaches across the table, putting her hand over his and squeezing it lightly, and she doesn't have to force her smile. Even if there's a little bit of sadness around the edges. ]
I'm really happy for you Cloud. It wasn't easy for either of us, back in Midgar. If there's good that comes from this place, then I think we should both embrace it. And maybe try not to need a doctor, okay?
[ his eyes flicker up to look at her -- he should be...relieved that she doesn't want to play. that she isn't thinking of other people. but, despite everything, despite that horribly jealous and insecure nature of his, the part of him that's worried for her wins out. ]
I... [ he thinks back -- on what reno said. the words have burrowed into his brain, knocking back against his skull. ] I think... we're gonna have to. Whether we like it or not.
[ he hates talking about this. it takes him back to that first night they had together: a nightmare, a dream, the reality that they're faced with. that was the first lesson they had learned here: this game would spare no one.
but even that aside, he can't shake the thought: the idea that they have to go back home. that things are only going to get worse. he can't tell her that. so cloud swallows thickly, eyes roaming, darting away as he sets his fork down. ]
I... [ he starts -- and then he stops. ] Never mind. Just... be careful, okay? It doesn't...
It doesn't... have to be like that night.
[ he's such a fucking idiot. this was supposed to be a good time, and here he is ruining it. and then she's squeezing his hand, and he realizes the implication of what she's saying, startling and flushing and looking away. ]
He and I-- We aren't like that. [ the shame that bubbles to the surface isn't because he's a man, no. it's because this shouldn't be happening at all. ] He's been nice to me, that's all. I just-- I don't know. I didn't think anyone here would be worth talking to aside from you.
[ She sighs, staring off into some empty corner of the restaurant's dark interior, face pinched. ]
I know, but...not for now.
[ She doesn't like thinking about it either. Will it all be like that first time, but...with people she doesn't feel okay about like Cloud? Will it make her want people she doesn't? How is she going to find a way for her first time be, well, okay?
And what about him? He's...well. Delicate. Not everyone is going to be patient and gentle like she is. She doesn't want him being overtaxed and, and...
She bites her lip when he brings up that night. Was that...so bad for him? She really...wouldn't have minded, outside their patron. ]
You too, okay? I'm not that delicate, Cloud. [ It comes out colder and snappier than she means. ] I just ... I've lived in the city on my own for a long time. I can handle myself, okay? You don't have to worry.
[ She wishes he didn't know she was a virgin so she could just lie and say she knew what she was doing. Maybe that was why he hadn't wanted to--
She can't think like that. They're here as friends. They're here to spend time together. Why does it feel like they're fighting? ]
I didn't meant to get my nose in anything. I just meant, if you were, or if you do find someone...it's okay to keep good people close, even if it's here, okay? I'm glad you found someone worthwhile, whatever they are to you. I won't push into your private life. That's your business.
[ She hates the way she skates over his compliment, the way it sticks in her stomach and makes her eyes feel tight. Maybe this hadn't been a good idea. Maybe she wasn't ready for this. Which is ridiculous. She had no claim on Cloud. She barely knew him, really. ]
[ he's messed this up and he knows it. things between them-- always veered in this direction, awkwardly ambling along the tracks before the inevitable collision. it's been this way ever since they were kids, and somehow, the distance has only widened since then.
pathetically, his features loosen, the mask falling as his expression softens into that of a kicked dog's. he knows -- that she can handle herself. that she's strong, that she endured the hell that was that day 5 years ago too. ]
...Alright. [ he speaks quietly, submitting at last. ] I get it. You've... gone through a lot.
[ and then the blues of his eyes stray, looking for something, anything to imprint on. ]
...I'm sorry. That I wasn't there.
[ he doesn't know-- where he was. but it wasn't there, when it should have been. ]
I feel like... this place'll just taint everything it touches. Even the good things. I don't trust them -- the people in charge.
[ even these precious moments, time and opportunities they'd never get back home -- were they truly safe? ]
But... [ his throat is unbearably tight. ] I'm still-- I'm still glad. That you're meeting people who treat you good. You deserve that.
[ She always does this -- finally decides to fight back and regrets it instantly. Why does she always do it with him? She knows he means well. It makes her stomach feel leaden, the way he curls in on himself. ]
Cloud, I didn't -- [ She didn't what? Want him to back off? Mean to hurt him? ] I wish we had been in the same place, but it's neither of our fault. You don't have to be sorry for something you didn't even know about. [ She's unaware how much firmer her tone is, or the way her hands clench.
That image, of him comatose in the alley, comes unbidden. Why is he apologizing to her? They were both victims here. And...
He was the only one who ever cared about what happened to her. She just...didn't want him thinking of her as this brittle little girl who couldn't do anything herself.
Like everyone else did.
She sighs rubbing her head and shaking it. ] You're right. About this place. I'm not mad at you, at all. And I'm glad you're meeting people too. We both deserve that.
[ She puts on a much better smile, aware it's a lie but -- she wants to get back to that nice place with him. ]
Let's finish up here and take a walk? I've been wanting to see the gardens. I don't think there's monsters here, but if there are, we can take them.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ he says it in that deadpan cadence, hardly emoting -- but he trusts that she knows him well enough to detect when he's simply being himself.
in reality, he can't remember -- what SOLDIER taught him beyond the basics of combat. he remembers the barracks, the constant uphill marches and a rifle in his hands, but not much else.
why was there a rifle to begin with?
cloud shakes the feeling of gun metal, cold and hard, off. in any case, he's almost finished with his bowl of noodles. ]
Girls... [ he remarks, contemplative. ] Friends or...?
[ a beat. "something else?" is implied in the silence. ]
...Not much. [ that's a lie, but he says it coolly no less. ] Turns out not... everyone here is a lost cause.
[ and then he swallows. ]
There's... a guy, actually. And he's-- ...a good person. [ there's fondness softening those words, even if he feigns an attempt at repressing it. ] Don't see that often these days. Turns out he's a doctor, so... if you need anything, just tell him you know me, alright?
no subject
Just friends. I'm not playing the game.
[ But she's a little pink, because she definitely...kissed two different girls. One naked. And she doesn't know if that means she likes girls? She didn't dislike it.
She's saved having to keep thinking about it because Cloud is actually talking.
And her stomach flips at the same time her heart swells. She's so glad he's making friends. She was worried. But...
She thinks again, maybe he turned her down because he likes men. That hurts less than just somehow not being the right girl for him. If that's the case, though, maybe she doesn't have to be quite so careful about some things.
She reaches across the table, putting her hand over his and squeezing it lightly, and she doesn't have to force her smile. Even if there's a little bit of sadness around the edges. ]
I'm really happy for you Cloud. It wasn't easy for either of us, back in Midgar. If there's good that comes from this place, then I think we should both embrace it. And maybe try not to need a doctor, okay?
no subject
[ his eyes flicker up to look at her -- he should be...relieved that she doesn't want to play. that she isn't thinking of other people. but, despite everything, despite that horribly jealous and insecure nature of his, the part of him that's worried for her wins out. ]
I... [ he thinks back -- on what reno said. the words have burrowed into his brain, knocking back against his skull. ] I think... we're gonna have to. Whether we like it or not.
[ he hates talking about this. it takes him back to that first night they had together: a nightmare, a dream, the reality that they're faced with. that was the first lesson they had learned here: this game would spare no one.
but even that aside, he can't shake the thought: the idea that they have to go back home. that things are only going to get worse. he can't tell her that. so cloud swallows thickly, eyes roaming, darting away as he sets his fork down. ]
I... [ he starts -- and then he stops. ] Never mind. Just... be careful, okay? It doesn't...
It doesn't... have to be like that night.
[ he's such a fucking idiot. this was supposed to be a good time, and here he is ruining it. and then she's squeezing his hand, and he realizes the implication of what she's saying, startling and flushing and looking away. ]
He and I-- We aren't like that. [ the shame that bubbles to the surface isn't because he's a man, no. it's because this shouldn't be happening at all. ] He's been nice to me, that's all. I just-- I don't know. I didn't think anyone here would be worth talking to aside from you.
no subject
I know, but...not for now.
[ She doesn't like thinking about it either. Will it all be like that first time, but...with people she doesn't feel okay about like Cloud? Will it make her want people she doesn't? How is she going to find a way for her first time be, well, okay?
And what about him? He's...well. Delicate. Not everyone is going to be patient and gentle like she is. She doesn't want him being overtaxed and, and...
She bites her lip when he brings up that night. Was that...so bad for him? She really...wouldn't have minded, outside their patron. ]
You too, okay? I'm not that delicate, Cloud. [ It comes out colder and snappier than she means. ] I just ... I've lived in the city on my own for a long time. I can handle myself, okay? You don't have to worry.
[ She wishes he didn't know she was a virgin so she could just lie and say she knew what she was doing. Maybe that was why he hadn't wanted to--
She can't think like that. They're here as friends. They're here to spend time together. Why does it feel like they're fighting? ]
I didn't meant to get my nose in anything. I just meant, if you were, or if you do find someone...it's okay to keep good people close, even if it's here, okay? I'm glad you found someone worthwhile, whatever they are to you. I won't push into your private life. That's your business.
[ She hates the way she skates over his compliment, the way it sticks in her stomach and makes her eyes feel tight. Maybe this hadn't been a good idea. Maybe she wasn't ready for this. Which is ridiculous. She had no claim on Cloud. She barely knew him, really. ]
no subject
pathetically, his features loosen, the mask falling as his expression softens into that of a kicked dog's. he knows -- that she can handle herself. that she's strong, that she endured the hell that was that day 5 years ago too. ]
...Alright. [ he speaks quietly, submitting at last. ] I get it. You've... gone through a lot.
[ and then the blues of his eyes stray, looking for something, anything to imprint on. ]
...I'm sorry. That I wasn't there.
[ he doesn't know-- where he was. but it wasn't there, when it should have been. ]
I feel like... this place'll just taint everything it touches. Even the good things. I don't trust them -- the people in charge.
[ even these precious moments, time and opportunities they'd never get back home -- were they truly safe? ]
But... [ his throat is unbearably tight. ] I'm still-- I'm still glad. That you're meeting people who treat you good. You deserve that.
[ she did. she always did. ]
no subject
Cloud, I didn't -- [ She didn't what? Want him to back off? Mean to hurt him? ] I wish we had been in the same place, but it's neither of our fault. You don't have to be sorry for something you didn't even know about. [ She's unaware how much firmer her tone is, or the way her hands clench.
That image, of him comatose in the alley, comes unbidden. Why is he apologizing to her? They were both victims here. And...
He was the only one who ever cared about what happened to her. She just...didn't want him thinking of her as this brittle little girl who couldn't do anything herself.
Like everyone else did.
She sighs rubbing her head and shaking it. ] You're right. About this place. I'm not mad at you, at all. And I'm glad you're meeting people too. We both deserve that.
[ She puts on a much better smile, aware it's a lie but -- she wants to get back to that nice place with him. ]
Let's finish up here and take a walk? I've been wanting to see the gardens. I don't think there's monsters here, but if there are, we can take them.